


EMPTY

by littlelino (taeyeongie)



Series: beomie angst [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Baby Boy Choi Beomgyu, Baby Choi Beomgyu, Choi Beomgyu Needs a Hug, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Choi Soobin Best Boy, Comfort, Fluff, Gen, If You Squint - Freeform, No Romance, Oral Fixation, Platonic Relationships, Sad Choi Beomgyu, Soft Choi Soobin, Soft Kang Taehyun, Suicidal Thoughts, babie just wants some sleep :(, beomgyu is Big Sad, i love beomgyu and therefore i must make him suffer, mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24882166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyeongie/pseuds/littlelino
Summary: Beomgyu has been having trouble sleeping lately—meaning he hasn’t slept well in weeks. The others just want to know what’s wrong, but Beomgyu can’t bring himself to tell them the truth.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Everyone
Series: beomie angst [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803472
Comments: 5
Kudos: 125





	EMPTY

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for mild depression and (mention of) suicidal thoughts! please read carefully, beomie is big sad in this :(

Beomgyu can’t sleep. 

He’s been staring at the ceiling for hours, now, like if he stays still long enough, tiredness will overtake him. 

It won’t. 

He sighs, turning onto his side. He wishes his brain would stop, he wishes everything would just _stop_. 

This is certainly not the first time Beomgyu has found himself unable to fall asleep, and it’s definitely not going to be the last. The past few weeks, Beomgyu has probably only gotten a few hours of shuteye. It’s only when true exhaustion seeps into his bones that he can get any rest, but even still, when he wakes up in the morning, he just feels like a zombie. 

He tells himself it will pass. He’s just too high-strung because of the comeback. He’ll be fine after a few more days. 

But he isn’t. And he won’t be fine—not if he doesn’t figure out how to _fix_ this. 

Their makeup artists have repeatedly told him he has to do something about his eye bags, as they’re becoming more and more obvious, harder to cover up with foundation and concealer. His members are noticing it, too. Beomgyu is sometimes irritable and snappish now, nothing like his energiser, mood-maker title. 

They have yet to confront him about it. 

Beomgyu pulls the blanket up to his chin and closes his eyes, even though he knows it won’t help any. 

He tries to voice his thoughts to the others, he really does. Beomgyu is usually never one to bottle up his feelings. But there’s something about this one in particular, something that makes Beomgyu want to lock it up and shove it away for good. He doesn’t want the others to know about it, he doesn’t want the others to know how he’s actually feeling. 

He’s getting good at hiding it—maybe a little too good. 

He’ll laugh and smile along, pretend like everything is okay. And for a while, everyone buys it. 

Until they don’t. 

Taehyun is the first to say something. The five of them are doing a live together, and Beomgyu wants nothing to do with it. He loves their fans, but he just wants to go back to their dorm and lock himself in his room (he wants to sleep, too, but that isn’t going to happen). But when the camera turns on, so does his usual, bubbly self. 

Towards the end, however, Beomgyu’s patience is wearing thin. 

He ends up snapping at Taehyun, way too aggressively to be a joke, but Yeonjun manages to play it off (albeit awkwardly). 

After the broadcast, Taehyun pulls Beomgyu aside. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” the younger asks. “And I’m being serious. Don’t just say ‘yeah.’”

Beomgyu frowns. “I’m fine, Taehyun-ah. Just tired.”

Which, well… it’s the truth. It’s enough to get Taehyun off his back for the time being, at least. 

The second time, it’s Yeonjun who confronts him. They’re filming TO DO, and while the entire group can be extremely competitive, Beomgyu is extra touchy that morning. He hasn’t slept a wink in over four days, and it’s beginning to show. 

Halfway through the shoot, Yeonjun asks Beomgyu to talk privately. 

“What’s up, man?” Yeonjun demands. 

“What do you mean?” Beomgyu decides to play dumb. Yeonjun narrows his eyes. 

“You’re acting weird, Beomie, and you know it. So tell me what’s wrong.”

Beomgyu bristles. “Nothing’s wrong, hyung. We’re holding up shooting, let’s get back.”

A few days later, even Huening Kai has to say something. 

“Hyung, is everything all right?” the maknae asks after a particularly heated argument between Beomgyu and Taehyun. 

“Fine.” Beomgyu grits his teeth. He’s getting really sick of being asked that. 

“Are you sure, hyung? You know we care about you, we just—”

“Yeah, I know,” Beomgyu cuts him off coldly. Kai looks stunned. “I’m going to the studio to practise. Tell the others not to come looking for me, thanks.”

“Wait, hyung—”

Beomgyu is out the door before Kai can say anything else. 

Weeks go by. Beomgyu’s sleeping habits see no improvement, and his mood plummets. He feels like shit almost constantly; keeping up his sunshine act is beginning to feel impossible. He barely eats anything, and hardly ever comes out of his room unless the group has schedules. 

Currently, it’s nearing four in the morning. They have nothing for tomorrow (today?), so Beomgyu figures he’ll be spending the day moping around again while the others play video games or whatever they do without him. 

“Beomgyu?” Soobin’s voice cuts through the silence. Beomgyu startles, looking over at his roommate. “What are you doing awake?”

“I could ask the same of you, hyung,” Beomgyu replies. 

“Woke up. Had a weird dream. You?”

Beomgyu pauses. Should he tell the truth? 

“I can practically hear you thinking, Gyu. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I don’t sleep much anymore,” Beomgyu finally admits with a shrug. Soobin hums. 

“I kind of figured. You’ve been acting strange.”

Beomgyu sighs and rolls onto his back. He can feel Soobin’s eyes on him. 

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I just…” Beomgyu struggles to find the right words. “Hyung, I just feel so _empty_ all the time. Like there’s something missing inside of me, like I’m not… like I’m not all _there_. Like I could disappear any moment, like the ground will swallow me whole, and nobody would even bat an eye, nobody would notice I was missing, because that’s how inconsequential a human life, _my life_ , is, isn’t it? I haven’t slept in days, I’m never able to sleep anymore, not unless my body physically can’t go on any longer, and I don’t eat much either, because I just don’t see much point in it anymore, and honestly, sometimes I wonder if—”

Beomgyu cuts himself off. 

“If what?” Soobin asks gently. 

“If I’d be better off dead,” Beomgyu whispers. 

Soobin doesn’t reply. For a few moments, Beomgyu wonders if maybe Soobin has fallen back asleep, or if Beomgyu is so sleep-deprived, he’s entered the realm of hallucination, but then he hears the sound of Soobin getting up, and then Beomgyu is being shoved over in his own bed. 

“Make room,” Soobin says, and Beomgyu is too tired and sad to argue. Soobin slides in beside him, his stupidly long arms instantly wrapping around Beomgyu’s equally-as-stupid tiny waist and holding the younger boy close. “I care about you, you know? Always. You can always come talk to me if something is bothering you, even if it’s as silly as ‘Yeonjun’s socks don’t match.’”

Beomgyu laughs, but it sounds like he’s underwater, and too late does he realise he’s crying. He hastily wipes at his eyes, but Soobin just quietly shushes him and holds him closer. 

“Shh, it’s okay, Beomie, just let it out, all right? You can cry, it’s okay.”

Beomgyu sniffles, hands fisting in the fabric of Soobin’s shirt. He doesn’t want to cry, he hasn’t cried in so long. 

Actually, he hasn’t felt _any_ strong emotion in so long. 

“Beomie,” Soobin mumbles, “you’re real, you’re safe. I’ve got you right here in my arms, and you aren’t going anywhere. I promise.”

Beomgyu lets himself cry. He clings onto Soobin like a lifeline, burying his face in the older boy’s chest, sobbing and sobbing, until he feels like he has no more tears left to cry. 

“Do you feel any better?” Soobin asks once Beomgyu settles down. The brunet nods slightly. “Beomie, don’t chew on your fingers, it isn’t clean.”

Beomgyu blinks, removing his index finger from his mouth. He hadn’t even realised. 

“You’re really brave, you know that?” Soobin continues. Beomgyu blushes. “I mean it. You’re brave, and smart, and talented, and cute, and handsome, and lovely, and I’m so proud to not only be able to call you my teammate, but also my friend.”

Beomgyu whines, hitting Soobin’s chest. The older boy laughs. 

“Shut up,” Beomgyu mutters. 

“It’s true, whether you believe it or not.”

“Thank you, hyung.”

“For what, Beom?”

“For listening.”

Beomgyu can feel Soobin’s smile in his hair. “Of course, Cookie. Anything for you.”

Beomgyu smiles as well, closing his eyes and snuggling close to his hyung. “Tell me about your dream.”

“Oh, it was so weird. We were on this mountain, except the ground was like putty and a blueish-green colour, and the sky was purple, and we had to find this magical fish that lived in a cave, except we didn’t know which cave, so we had to check them all, and there were, like, a hundred caves. It was really stupid, dream-me was sweating buckets. I would have just given up, I mean seriously…”

Finally, Beomgyu is able to find sleep in Soobin’s arms. 


End file.
